In Darkness I Found Light

“I wasn’t raised in a household where my Sunday mornings were dread. It started when the sound of my family woke me up from a slumber I could have enjoyed until an inexcusable hour. Most would think that this means that my relationship with God is one that simply couldn’t exist. But it did; I knew who he was and I feared him wholeheartedly. We’ve been having late night talks for the past 10 years asking for forgiveness, for help or sometimes just someone to listen to me. He has helped me see things that are painful in a new way that exude light, strength and a chance for our relationship to grow. They say he is close to the broken hearted and maybe that’s why he’s always been someone close to me. But as the weight in my heart crushes my lungs I feel weak and abandoned by a God I have always found comfort in. Each night a silent rainstorm falls from my eyes; every drop a handcrafted message to him that I think he was wrong about me. I’m beginning to think he overestimated my ability to take on the life he has planned for me. As life continues to try and show me love is not enough, God has planted a seed of hope inside me that believes one day it will be. But when will I be done waiting for one day and some day and be able to find peace in this day.”

I wrote this in my journal this summer when I hit an all time low. My days seemed to be covered in an ominous fog that blurred my ability to see the life I had in front of me. The emotions I had inside overwhelmed me and like a wave pulled me under and every time I felt like I could breath the tide seemed to come back stronger; pulling me in deeper. In this exhausting cycle I lost my will to fight. It’s not that I wanted to die, it’s that I lost my want to live. This numbness scared me, and I realized that this was not who I wanted to be. These feelings of doubt and abandonment were not my cue to give up, they were my motivation to push back, dig deeper and discover a love that is freeing. Although in this dark hour it seemed easy to surrender and walk away from my faith, I knew I needed to do the complete opposite.

At the beginning of this school year I began my journey to join the Catholic Church, and a new life in Jesus Christ. As I sit here reflecting I realize that maybe God felt as though I was abandoning him because I hadn’t committed to living my life for him. I am constantly amazed at the comfort I find in his word, and find myself fighting back tears during weekly RCIA meetings at the joy he brings to people's lives. This empty feeling I’ve been having can only be filled by him, and in him I have found strength, hope, faith, and an eternal love. After my Rite of Acceptance 2 weeks ago I am eager to continue my journey and look forward to being baptized, confirmed, and receiving the Eucharist for the first time. For a girl that fears that moments are fleeting, I have forgotten that everything in life is temporary except for him. My darkness led me to seek the greatest light of all. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it. John 1:5

With Love,

Jade Marie